giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
