You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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