people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
