thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
