I wish my penis had an off switch
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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