All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
