I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
