Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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