When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I am available for nakedness
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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