Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize