If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
