Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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