the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
