Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
