I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
