apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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