I think my fart just growled at me.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
