mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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