John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
