There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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