if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
