And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
