she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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