I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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