hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
