Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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