my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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