yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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