Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
