some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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