i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
