I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
