Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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