WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
