My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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