I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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