the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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