If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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