Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
