someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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