my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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