Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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