my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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