I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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