This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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