the condom got lost in my hair
Welp...herpes.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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