Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
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