I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize