o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
