I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
