I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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