Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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