She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Randomize
