You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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