You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
