I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
