We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize