I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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